Vegetarian Schmegetarian

A month has passed since it happened, and it's time for me to admit a deep, dark secret:
I accidentally fell off the vegetarian* wagon at Christmas.

"Accidentally?" you may ask, with a skeptical tone. What happened, did I conveniently "forget" that I don't eat meat and have some bacon? Mistake my father-in-law's oh-so-tasty-looking venison sausage for melba toast?

No to both scenarios, and once you learn what I transgressed with I think you will believe it was sincerely an accident.

I ate dog food. (I'll let you, as we liberals often say, sit with that for a moment).

What?! Did I pass out on the kitchen floor next to the dog food dish and start sleep-eating with the first thing I could reach?

No, again I'm going to dash an entertaining possibility with the rather bland truth. I was snacking on treats off the breakfast bar and simply ate some kibble that was in a dish on the counter. The lights were low, I'd had some bourbon, and I thought it was chocolate. The dog food also belonged to my in-laws dogs and I hadn't put it on the counter and since it wasn't a brand we use I didn't instantly recognize it.

I did instantly recognize it as dog food as soon as I chewed on a piece, though. Then came my moment of truth when I needed to decide how to handle situation. Should I:
a) spit it out and scream? 
b) yell "Oh my god!" and laugh maniacally?
c) discretely spit the dog food out into a napkin ad pretend nothing happened? 

I opted for option C, which amazingly seemed to work. Amazing, as my sister-in-law was standing right across the counter talking to me and didn't seem to notice. 

So how does dry dog food taste? About as you'd expect. In other words, not very tasty. It was pretty bitter, and I washed the taste away with a swig of bourbon as quickly as possible. Okay, it was actually pretty gross, but I tried to keep my cool by thinking of all the stories I've heard of impoverished old people who are forced to eat dog food. If they survived, I could too. And I coped by drinking more bourbon. 

This cartoon says seafood is only "sort of meat"....but dog food's not included!

Now I'm not saying that I will never, ever, not eat meat, but if I choose to do so, I want it to be a conscious choice. I want to know I'm doing it, and savor it. And I want it to be something tastier than dog food. (I have actually sincerely accidentally eaten meat...turns out pancetta is meat, not cheese...and I was bummed I didn't appreciate it. I also occasionally adopt a "Don't ask, don't tell" approach if I think someone has attempted to make something "vegetarian" for me but used chicken broth). 

Also, to indulge in a bit of rantiness for a moment, I "can" eat meat. I just choose not to. I know people mean well when they say, "Oh, you can't eat that," but really, I can, I probably even want to, but I just probably won't. 

Anyway, now the truth is out. I ate dog food. Normally, I pride myself on not being easily embarrassed, or at the very least, owning all the silly stuff I do. I know I'm not cool. So I'm actually a little embarrassed that I was so embarrassed that I've kept the secret until now. But I think, or hope, that it may be that I just wasn't up to dealing with a brouhaha. The Snyders and I were enjoying some mellow holiday time so why interrupt it with a "You did WHAT?" moment? We had to save our energy for Cards Against Humanity, after all. 

Or maybe I just wanted to save this anecdote until I could blog about it. 

*I'm actually only a vegetarian according to the 70's and/or rural Wisconsin definition, so I do eat fish. I'm a pescatarian, but I do try to save eating fish for special occasions.