I Say It's My Birthday
I have a well deserved reputation for making a big deal out of my birthday. The natural excitement most children feel about their birthday just never went away for me. Plus, it's no secret that I like attention. A holiday that is just for me, all about me? I'm definitely in. And, even more so as I get older, I love the opportunity to be able to gather friends together. If birthdays are the excuse we need to make the time to have dinner/drinks/karaoke and spend time with friends that we are usually too busy to hang with, then again, I'm in.
As much as I am a fan of birthdays, birthdays are scary. Let's take a moment to stop and say "Hi" to the elephant in the room: birthdays are signifiers of our mortality. Every birthday brings us closer to our last birthday. Intertwined with my fear of life's final closing time (yes, I will use a bar metaphor) is a deep gratitude for all the blessing I've received so far. Most notably you (yes YOU, I assume no one is reading this unless they have some connection to me) and all my friends and family and even acquaintances are amazing and bring an astounding richness to my life. So I know that gratitude, and living in the present are the only useful response to the fear of death, but, I don't want to sugar-(or even aspartame or stevia) coat that reality.
I'm also not really a fan of getting older or skilled in the art of aging gracefully. Thankfully, except for some complaints about crow's feet, I'm currently lucky enough that I don't have any serious aging-related issues. I certainly have existential angst and frequent age-inspired identity crises, but so far no significant physical impact (maybe this is the upside of not being all that hale or healthy as a young person). But I know the physical "side-effects" of aging are coming (if I am lucky enough to live that long) and I don't want to lose whatever physical vitality I currently have.
Plus birthdays (or more accurately the aging they bring) are just plain weird. Again, forget my crow's feet, or my feelings of age-related lameness (I know I was never hip but still I mourn the loss of any pretense of youth-related cool) but how did I get to be 44?? It's a cliche to say that as you get older you feel like the same person you were when you were 21 but it's true. Of course when I do stop to think about it, I realize all the ways that I am a different person, and overall, I feel those changes are positive. Despite myself, I have learned some pretty important life lessons so far, and know I have so much left to learn. I think that "what the hell happened?" feeling comes from youthful misconceptions that when you get older you are going to be much more wiser/boring/content/etc. than you really are, and that you are going to be ready for your curtain call.
Birthdays also make me really miss my mom. Partly just because it's a "holiday" and I miss my mom a little more on every special day that she isn't here to share with me (and our birthdays are exactly two weeks apart). And, if there is anyone who appreciated an excuse to make a fuss about me, it was my mom. A friend asked me last night what birthday traditions my family had and I was surprised I couldn't really think of any. I think our family approach to birthdays and holidays was always to celebrate, but what a celebration meant changed from year to year given our moods and circumstances. I am a little envious of families that had more solid traditions but I really appreciate our flexible approach. However we celebrated, the constant was that my mom always made me feel special, and I miss that. And again, I think there is just something unsettling and existentially achy to realize the person who brought you into the world is gone.
So, I do think birthdays are a big deal. They are your own personal New Year's, a chance to reflect and celebrate. I say it's my birthday, and probably will again and again with a special thanks to everyone who listens.
As much as I am a fan of birthdays, birthdays are scary. Let's take a moment to stop and say "Hi" to the elephant in the room: birthdays are signifiers of our mortality. Every birthday brings us closer to our last birthday. Intertwined with my fear of life's final closing time (yes, I will use a bar metaphor) is a deep gratitude for all the blessing I've received so far. Most notably you (yes YOU, I assume no one is reading this unless they have some connection to me) and all my friends and family and even acquaintances are amazing and bring an astounding richness to my life. So I know that gratitude, and living in the present are the only useful response to the fear of death, but, I don't want to sugar-(or even aspartame or stevia) coat that reality.
I'm also not really a fan of getting older or skilled in the art of aging gracefully. Thankfully, except for some complaints about crow's feet, I'm currently lucky enough that I don't have any serious aging-related issues. I certainly have existential angst and frequent age-inspired identity crises, but so far no significant physical impact (maybe this is the upside of not being all that hale or healthy as a young person). But I know the physical "side-effects" of aging are coming (if I am lucky enough to live that long) and I don't want to lose whatever physical vitality I currently have.
Plus birthdays (or more accurately the aging they bring) are just plain weird. Again, forget my crow's feet, or my feelings of age-related lameness (I know I was never hip but still I mourn the loss of any pretense of youth-related cool) but how did I get to be 44?? It's a cliche to say that as you get older you feel like the same person you were when you were 21 but it's true. Of course when I do stop to think about it, I realize all the ways that I am a different person, and overall, I feel those changes are positive. Despite myself, I have learned some pretty important life lessons so far, and know I have so much left to learn. I think that "what the hell happened?" feeling comes from youthful misconceptions that when you get older you are going to be much more wiser/boring/content/etc. than you really are, and that you are going to be ready for your curtain call.
Birthdays also make me really miss my mom. Partly just because it's a "holiday" and I miss my mom a little more on every special day that she isn't here to share with me (and our birthdays are exactly two weeks apart). And, if there is anyone who appreciated an excuse to make a fuss about me, it was my mom. A friend asked me last night what birthday traditions my family had and I was surprised I couldn't really think of any. I think our family approach to birthdays and holidays was always to celebrate, but what a celebration meant changed from year to year given our moods and circumstances. I am a little envious of families that had more solid traditions but I really appreciate our flexible approach. However we celebrated, the constant was that my mom always made me feel special, and I miss that. And again, I think there is just something unsettling and existentially achy to realize the person who brought you into the world is gone.
So, I do think birthdays are a big deal. They are your own personal New Year's, a chance to reflect and celebrate. I say it's my birthday, and probably will again and again with a special thanks to everyone who listens.
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