I Hope I Get It!

I wrote this exactly a week ago: 

"I just got home from an audition, and I feel quite accomplished and mighty, for the moment, at least. But if past experience is any predictor, and it usually is, then crushing self doubt is on its way."

...and I didn't get cast in the show I auditioned for. I was (am) disappointed, but since I really, really, didn't expect, or even hope, to get cast in this particular show, I did not get hit with the crushing self doubt I often do. The self doubt and disappointment were only mildly draining. 

Ah, auditioning. Auditioning is exciting and scary and a pain in the ass. Waiting to hear about the result is agonizing. (Ooh, our Tom Petty cover band should be doing "The Waiting!")  I can't stop thinking about it. I'm consumed with waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring (or email to be sent.) I'm ansty and can't concentrate. Usually, I recognize after a day or two that if I haven't heard back, I'm NOT going to get cast. And still...(there was at least that one time when I didn't hear for days and I DID get a part...). I just need closure damnit!! And, when I don't get cast, which happens the majority of the time, I really, really, really feel like crap. "Why didn't they like me?" my inner diva/child screams. "Why did they reject me? Why did I even bother? Who am I kidding, I'm no actress, just an old librarian! I will never get to act in a show again!!" 

I try to make sense of auditioning by comparing it to what I think the highs and lows of dating are like (depending on how you define dating, I've only had two or three dates in my life and that was over 25 years ago). The thrill, the promise, the hope. The attempt to be and sell your best self. To get dressed up and look good (but not too dressed up...I don't want to look desperate!) And then, the embarrassment, the annoyance, the bad self esteem trip (WHY didn't he call??). 

The rational part of me is fascinated by how dejected I feel when I don't get cast. Even if I'm not all that interested in the part or the show, or even if I can think of several totally valid reasons (that have nothing to do with me sucking) about why I didn't get a part, I still feel depressed and icky for about 24 hours. I think there is just something primal and physical about rejection that is crushing. On the flip side, I also find it empowering to have learned that those feelings go away, and usually pretty quickly. I have learned to acknowledge my feelings and just feel them and go with them and yes, to sound like a cliche, to let them go. 

Despite of, and because of, all the frustration and emotional turmoil involved in the auditioning process, I am proud of myself for weathering it. It does take a lot of courage to put yourself out there and to keep trying so I am going to give myself a cookie for perseverance. I'm a little embarrassed to disclose this, but I have auditioned for close to 50 shows in the last five years (I've tried to keep track but lost count). I almost never tell my friends that I'm going to audition for something, so that I don't have to tell them when I don't cast. Luckily, even though the vast majority of my auditions don't result in casting success (which I think is totally normal), I've been able to be involved in different productions through word of mouth, or because I've worked with the company or director before.  

I also don't want to forget about the positive feedback I've received. I actually have been cast in some shows, and have gotten a couple of callbacks. After a very recent audition for a collection of one-acts, a couple directors told me I made such a good impression that the directors were "fighting over me." (Okay, maybe it was because I was one of the few women over 40 who auditioned and they really needed characters that age but still...).

Some more random thoughts about auditioning:

• Overall, every director and theater company I have auditioned for has been very positive, encouraging, and friendly. Definitely no horror stories. In this context, "Minnesota Nice" is a completely real and wonderful thing. 
• Intellectually, I totally get that I should appreciate every audition as a performance in and of itself and a chance to create art. In reality, I really, really, really just want to get a part.
• I still need to find that perfect audition song that is in my 4 note range. No, it will not be "Teacher's Pet."
• Dance auditions are usually a train wreck waiting to happen. I have discovered I have almost no muscle memory and it will take me an hour to learn a dance step that everyone else can learn in 10 minutes. I try very hard to look confident and sell it, but that can only do so much magic. 
• No matter how long I have been planning on auditioning, I will not be ready when the audition actually rolls around. I will not have my resume updated and printed or a copy of my head shot. 
• I will frequently run into people I know at auditions. It's cool, (it's great to see old theater friends and is a sign that I am a member of the community) but also a little awkward.
• Sometimes, finding the audition place and getting there more or less on time is more than half the battle. Oh, and there is a BIG difference between Patrick's Cabaret and Rick's Cabaret.